Yesterday was NOT a good day...in fact, this week has not been very good either...and neither was the end of last week.
Everything seems to be a chore...yes, even the fun stuff isn't fun anymore.
And this wasn't how it was supposed to be...it just wasn't.
Growing up all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. That's it. No lofty ambitions (though for a brief moment I had visions of being Canada's ambassador to Spain). I went to University because I could, not because I had to for a career choice. I majored in Spanish (hence, the ambassador thing) and I got my Bachelor of Arts in the three years that it was supposed to take.
At the time, I lived in Montreal and as soon as I wrote my last exam (April 21st, 1991), I couldn't wait to pack up and join my fiancé (now DH) in Mississauga, where we still make our home.
I took one look at our DD (Lauren) a mere 0.8 seconds after she was born and KNEW that I would not be returning to work. I didn't want day care raising our daughter. She was born with a congenital heart condition to boot, so there was no way I was going to trust a complete stranger with her anyway.
It was a struggle at first getting used to one salary, especially after DH took a HUGE pay cut to change companies (short term pain, long term gain) but we did it and still are...that short term pain really did pay off.
Then came along DS # 1 and DS # 2, 4 years apart (like we'd planned). DS # 2 was also born with a congenital heart condition (not genetic) and we started on a road that included LOTS of hospital visits, lots of tests and his first open heart surgery when he was just three days old. Last November, he underwent his third open heart surgery.
Most days, I do pretty good, but some days are "find a corner to cry in" days.
There are five of us still living in the same condo we bought in 1992 and it's CROWDED. 982 sq. ft. is not conducive to 5 people and all their stuff. We want to buy a house, but need to sort out the clutter in this one before we can sell. I know that some might say, "Well, just do it", but it's not always that simple. I do my best, but it's hard to keep things under control when there is just SO much stuff!
And it just wasn't supposed to be this way! IT JUST WASN'T!!! Being a wife and mom is supposed to be a fulfilling job. It's supposed to be what makes me happy...caring for kids, caring for DH, doing laundry, cooking...this is what I signed up for...what I've always wanted to do. Well, if it's what I've always wanted to do, how come it sucks?
Yesterday was a "cry in a corner" day. I knew it was coming, but was powerless to stop it. I cried my heart out while DH listened to me and did his best to help me through it. We went online to find some resources for Stay at Home Moms (there are lots out there) and I got started (in my head at least) working out some ways to make this better. I want to be happy doing laundry, doing dishes, cooking dinner, etc...I just need to find a way to make that happen.
As we were writing down websites, Scott wrote at the top of the page:
TODAY IS THE DAY I CHANGE
I thought that was a pretty powerful statement. No one can change for you, you have to be/make the change you want to see. This morning, I had an "Eleanor Roosevelt" moment. She said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission". That was my moment. No one can dictate how clean/tidy my house should be, unless I let them. No one can make me feel like a "bad" housekeeper unless I let them. No one can make me feel like a bad mom, unless I let them. And as of right now, I'M NOT LETTING THEM!!!
I've heard about FlyLady on numerous occasions...even joined the site once or twice, but I think that unless you are REALLY ready to commit, you aren't going to "play" along. It's like the saying "you have to hit rock bottom before you can claw your way back up".
Today, I am ready to fly...and I started by shining my sink and taking the kitchen back!
And now, you'll have to excuse me...I have laundry to fold and some ironing to get done...
Thanks for stopping by!
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